My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
