Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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