You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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