I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
