Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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