don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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