I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize