2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
