I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
