I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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