The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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