Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
