i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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