fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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