The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
