remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
