My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
