Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
