why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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