No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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