Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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