she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
