Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
