Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
