Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
