Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
