I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize