it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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