Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
