everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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