I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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