You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
