I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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