I think my fart just growled at me.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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