My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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