I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
