Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
