just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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