Just mADE A PArabola og urine
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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