Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
