So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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