I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
