i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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