i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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