I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
