would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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