she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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