She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
