I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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