Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
