..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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