ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
