I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize