He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
