Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
