he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
