Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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