Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
