Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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